I'm jealous of your bromance
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
