Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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