the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
