she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
