I just cut my nipple shaving
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
