Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
