Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
