do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
