Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
