Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
