girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
