I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
