I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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