I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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