Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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