well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
