Don't you send me to vm
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
