I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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