Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
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