Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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