Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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