I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
