It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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