Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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