The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
