I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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