the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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