it hurts more in the daytime
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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