It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
