I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
