why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
