Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
