you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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