God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
