Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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