dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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