I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
