May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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