I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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