just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Ladies don't puke and tell
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I deserve this hangover.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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