Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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