I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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