It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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