Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My bed smells like the plague
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
