the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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