I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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