i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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