I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
