why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
