Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
